also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
