that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
