Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
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