She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
