Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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