new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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