If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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