Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
