Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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