Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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