I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
