dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
