I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
