I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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