I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
