If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Randomize
