I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
