Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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