I just pynch a tree in the face
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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