Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
