I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
