A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
