i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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