YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
