your parents love me but you hate me
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
