do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
