Your dad touched me again.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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