Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
