my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
