You're my little dorito
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
This beer is not sobering me up at all
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
