Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
