I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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