went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
