Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
