I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
