My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Holy sore nipples Batman
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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