This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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