rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
