meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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