Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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