maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
