I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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