I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
