The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
