some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
