I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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