First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
