he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
