I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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