Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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