after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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