Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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