paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm always down for nudity.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
