Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
