I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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